I was informed that I absolutely have to share why I started YouTube or something catastrophic might happen. Since I don’t want to be responsible for the zombie apocalypse, I’ll share…

I was born third in a family that allowed my strangeness to look normal. When asked as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d say, I want to be a mom. Life was good when I married a year out of high school. A few years later I became a full-time mom when we brought home a wonderful and smart baby boy. Then, life laughed at me for feeling so pleased with how things were going.

My son was diagnosed with Asperger’s (high functioning autism) at age 3. My second son was born with hearing trouble. We experienced fertility problems and my dream of a big family never happened. A few years later, I experience some serious health complications including a heart problem that limits my ability to be active. I’ve been having hormone issues that cause intense hot flashes for over 15 years. Depression and anxiety become a frequent part of my life and I often lost myself in sadness.

The year before I started YouTube things were so wretched that I struggled finding the will to live. I had the thought that I should start a YouTube channel. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I was horrified. I was certain that was the worst idea I’d ever had (and I’ve had some pretty bad ideas. So, alarm bells chimed when the idea continued to creep into my thoughts.

God has always played a big role in my life. At one point, it occurred to me that perhaps God was telling me I should start a YouTube channel. The idea made me want to puke. I’m not good on camera. I’m weird and ramble when I talk. And, I had no idea what I would make videos about. If God wanted me to pursue this, I needed ideas and help. With that thought, I dusted my hands off and officially dismissed the idea.

Later, I was talking to my adult son and he was regaling me with stories on how his roommates had no idea how to… fill in the blank with a basic life skill like cleaning the toilet or doing laundry. I knew almost immediately life skills was the niche for my YouTube channel (that I still didn’t want to do).

With the question of what I should make videos about answered, I knew I had to do something. So, I cried. I can’t do it. It’s too hard. I don’t know how. I don’t want to. When I was done crying, I got up and started learning how to edit videos.

I have never been able to do anything halfway. When I do something, I jump in with both feet and a weight tied around my ankles to be sure I’m fully commented. So, I wasn’t surprised by the amount of work I put into figuring out YouTube and how to edit videos. What I was surprised by was that I was enjoying it. The idea that I might be able to help someone and make their life easier is a huge motivator. It feels like getting to help a friend. Or maybe like being a mom to lots and lots of people – which is exactly what I’ve always wanted and loved doing.

Having YouTube has been amazing for my mental health and I find myself feeling happier with life despite still having plenty of trials. Thank you for saving my life.

Random facts about Amy Holt

> My Dictionary/Thesaurus app is my favorite. When you spell as poorly as I do, sometimes spell check can’t figure out what you’re trying to say. In those cases, I use the thesaurus to look up a similar word that I can actually spell and then I search among the answers for the word I really want.

> I like to skip, but usually I just walk because–a grown lady skipping; it just looks weird. But if I think no one’s paying attention, I skip.

> I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve taken the vacuum apart to clean or fix it.

> I like having a clean, organized house. That doesn’t mean my house is either clean or organized. I’m just saying I like it when it is.